By Sola Ajagbe
This is funny and annoying but somewhat true... Have fun reading. It comes, as something of a surprise to many Africans to discover that all Africans look the same to non-Africans...
How do you tell a Nigerian from a Kenyan? And I am not talking about passports or clothing. The easiest way, of course, is the name.
For example Ogunkoye, Ekwekwe or Babangida can only be a Nigerian, a Njoroge, Otieno or Kilonzo must be from Kenya. Where else would you bump into a name like Promise, Immaculate or Patience other than in Zimbabwe? And where do the Drums come from? They are surely from Liberia or Sierra Leone.
Surely everybody knows that the loud, boisterous and cocky ones are the West Africans; the brooding and sly ones are the North and South Africans; the East Africans always say yes even when they disagree vehemently. No wonder there have been very little coups in this region. They have no guts to go against the establishment. They are also the UN's first choice for Peace Keeping duties worldwide.
Forget about the Egyptians and Sudanese who change their continents based on which side of the bread is buttered. When convenient, and the Petrol-dollar is flowing, they masquerade as Arabs. When the World Bank is dishing out aid to the Third World, they shuffle themselves, cup-in-hand, jostling for the paltry aid given to poor African countries.
If you want to be more specific, the Cameroonians will borrow money to buy champagne. They can even sell a hole in their pockets to ape the bourgeois. The Ghanaians think they invented politics. No Ghanaian worth his salt will conclude a conversation without mentioning the famous Kwame Nkrumah or quoting a phrase from one of his speeches. Even when bargaining at the Bazaar, a 'Kwame' phrase has a magical effect. The problem is they think that this problem is world wide! A Dukawalla in Bombay was forgiven for thinking Kwame was a unit of currency in Africa!
The Congolese think they have the best music and the best dancers. They have this heavenly feeling that they were brought into this world to sing and dance.... and please, for your own safety, don't you dare challenge that! A Congolese can be spotted from afar by the gait of his walk... And it also depends on the mood of the walker: A Ndombolo walk is a sign of happiness (also means 'I've just had it'); a Baba Gaston walk is a sign of old age.
The Nigerians have a THING about clothes and jewelry. They are the Indians of Africa; you'll always find a Nigerian in any part of the world... there is one contending for Mayorship somewhere in remote Russia of all the places. There is a Nigerian Police inspector in the Falklands... and there is a Nigerian Cashier at the First National Bank of Woolongong (somewhere in Australia). I wonder how long he'll be there before he decides to become fluid with their cash. They are like cockroaches and will be found in the most unusual places.
The Ethiopians think they have the most beautiful women on God's earth (think about it, have you ever seen an ugly Ethiopian lady? No, not the post-menopause geriatric one, we are talking about the under 45 or so...hmm.)
We won’t talk about the Somalis for the time being as they are suffering from a severe identity crisis. How else do you explain a Somali holding a Kenyan passport saying he was born and raised in Pand-Pieri (somewhere in Kisumu) while the same gentleman cannot utter the basic general greeting?
Moroccans think they are French and so do the Burkinabes. Algerians hate the French. Sierra Leonians smile profusely. Liberians can't get over America...they copy everything including Rambo...any wonder they have Rambo-style rumbles in the jungle. Call it an influence from Hollywood?
All East and South African countries have more or less the same boring national anthems, but the South Africans sing it the best. Which other national anthem can make your feet loose control and do a jig on their own?
The South Africans have thick and springy hair; the Zambians and Kenyans have prominent foreheads. The Nigerians have thick luscious lips and their females possess some of the widest posteriors. The West Africans have short memories and never learn from their mistakes; how many times are they caught all over the world on drug-related cases yet they continue the trade. How many times are they going to send those silly chain letters asking for bank account and pretending they are sons of Chief so and so? The concept of order and discipline must have been invented in East Africa; the words don't exist in West Africa, especially Nigeria. Does anyone know how many coups that country has endured?
When a cabinet minister is caught in a corruption scandal, he commits suicide in Southern Africa; in West Africa he's promoted after the next coup d'etat. In Kenya, he is stripped of his cabinet post for a short while till the dust settles and then re-installed to a higher cabinet post which amalgamates his earlier cabinet post. In essence, he still controls his earlier ministerial post by proxy.
In Athletics, the divisions are easy: from 800m to the marathon the East Africans hold sway; the West Africans are only good at the sprints. South Africans can only sing. But when it comes to football (soccer), the North and West Africans dominate lesser skilled East and South Africans.
This is a joke. Sola does not intend to cast aspersions on any of his African brothers and sisters, be they from the West, East, North or South of our great continent. (Webmaster).
